Rocks in my shoes

I think some of the major rocks in my shoes are the fact that I hate letting people down and I don't like admitting I need help. I tend to bottle things up instead of complaining or asking for help because it makes me feel weak. I also think that's just how I grew up; I'm the oldest in my family and I grew up during a time where my parents kinda needed me to be self-sufficient and just kinda get things done and not put up a fuss. Vice versa, my sister and brother are the opposite; especially my sister. If something is wrong with her, everyone in our family knows because she puts up a big fuss about it until it's figured out. So like where I would feel bad asking my parents to have me go in and get my bad knees checked or my eyes checked or such because I didn't want them to have to worry about doctors bills or scheduling stuff and I could just deal with it; my sister would pester my mom constantly to go get her wrist checked out or go get braces and orthodontics and such done. I've always been the independent, responsible one in my family; I have cooked most of my meals since forever for example and my siblings will get my parents to cook for them at home. Because I'm known as the independent one who just handles her stuff, I think mentally I see asking for help as a problem and it can cause me to over book myself and struggle to tell people "no" because I want to help them.

I think I've started getting better at saying "No" to things and being more realistic about what things I can and can't do. For example, last year I was a full-time assistant director of the school play and everything else in my life suffered because I agreed to suddenly work until 5:45pm everyday. This year, I've turned down being the tech director and told my colleague I can only do 3 days a week to try and balance a bit better. It's still really hard to do this because I want to be there and to help and I know a part of me is going to struggle with actually holding firm to my 3 days a week, but I know it's gonna be for my benefit. I'm trying to be more open with my friends as well about things going on in my life like family health issues and such. I just kinda need to remind myself that they are here for me just like I've been here for them, and I'm not being a burden when I talk to them about it.

I'm still in this transition zone with being more open and asking for help but I know it's gonna make me less stressed and happier because I have more support from people but it's definitely a process. Just last week, it almost pained me to ask my team teachers if they could reach out to parents to confirm if they were coming to a conference or not instead of me doing it because I just didn't have the time. So it's definitely going to be a journey.